What "Big Talk"?
So, although "the birds and the bees talk" is widely referenced as a developmental milestone, an adolescent right of passage, if you will; routinely, the question as to whether or not parents are actually having this talk is questionable at best. For most mid-westerners, if such a talk did occur during their formative years, information was often reported as being unclear. I know my own experience consisted of my mom handing me a book which she left me to read, promptly running into the store to complete an errand. My dad had no place in this talk whatsoever, leaving me less than clueless about the male perspective. The book that I was given outlined changes to my body that would be happening at a time when those changes had already been happening. There was a very small section that discussed reproduction. I remember thinking, "Duh, as if I don't already know this." I say this knowing that I was not alone, that most of my peers were getting something synonymous, if not less, and that my parents were doing the best they knew to do (at least I know that now).
Discomfort with sex is passed down through the process of what me and my fellow marriage and family therapists refer to as a "multigenerational transmission process," which is just a fancy way of referencing family patterns that are passed down. It takes a change in the system to make this kind of change, and, in regards to sex, without support, this change is more than difficult to achieve. Looking back, if I was to design my own experience with the talk it would include all the basic facts of course, but a presence of BOTH parents and discussion about the emotional components, sexual pleasure, masturbation, body image, positive messages about my vagina, how to handle unhealthy sexual advances and an open forum in which to ask any questions I wanted. Like many, I too was left to my own devices, to figure things out on my own, with the alternative option of consulting my equally naive friends. Such experiences ultimately lead to countless misconceptions. For my clients, asking about messages received during childhood and adolescence about sexuality are scant. This questioning is often accompanied by another type of discomfort at the realization that their current sexual discomfort was many moons in the making. For many, this is a very sad though! Given the family systems perspective on change that I referenced above, for change to occur there needs to be a precipitating event of some kind. If parents and caregivers could become more proactive in their willingness to address their own sexual issues head on, they would be much better equipped to engage in dialogue surrounding this unnecessarily uncomfortable topic. In essence, they would be serving as agents of change. Research shows that parental discomfort around sexuality is not only passed down but a product of one's own discomfort around their own masculinity and femininity. The more comfort a parent has, the ore likely they are to address sexuality in an open and honest manner.
Discomfort with sex is passed down through the process of what me and my fellow marriage and family therapists refer to as a "multigenerational transmission process," which is just a fancy way of referencing family patterns that are passed down. It takes a change in the system to make this kind of change, and, in regards to sex, without support, this change is more than difficult to achieve. Looking back, if I was to design my own experience with the talk it would include all the basic facts of course, but a presence of BOTH parents and discussion about the emotional components, sexual pleasure, masturbation, body image, positive messages about my vagina, how to handle unhealthy sexual advances and an open forum in which to ask any questions I wanted. Like many, I too was left to my own devices, to figure things out on my own, with the alternative option of consulting my equally naive friends. Such experiences ultimately lead to countless misconceptions. For my clients, asking about messages received during childhood and adolescence about sexuality are scant. This questioning is often accompanied by another type of discomfort at the realization that their current sexual discomfort was many moons in the making. For many, this is a very sad though! Given the family systems perspective on change that I referenced above, for change to occur there needs to be a precipitating event of some kind. If parents and caregivers could become more proactive in their willingness to address their own sexual issues head on, they would be much better equipped to engage in dialogue surrounding this unnecessarily uncomfortable topic. In essence, they would be serving as agents of change. Research shows that parental discomfort around sexuality is not only passed down but a product of one's own discomfort around their own masculinity and femininity. The more comfort a parent has, the ore likely they are to address sexuality in an open and honest manner.
Traditionally, sex talks in school have consisted of "plumbing and prevention"considerations and by and large, tend to have an abstinence-based undertone (variable depending on the school district). Although this trend is getting somewhat better, there is much growth to be had. Not unlike my own experiences, what for many adolescents is a "very awkward health class" that consisted of horrific STI photos that it seemed that the people to whom the infected bodies belonged, would soon experience genital amputation with the cases being so severe. Typically, there is also a big emphasis on sexual abuse and sexual assault, but less around how to be sexually healthy. Socially, we are more comfortable talking about sexual abuse, assault, and molestation than sexual health itself. I will leave that thought right there for you to ponder....
A healthier "Big Talk" would include discussions about plumbing and prevention, but also about the sexual response cycle, which is often far too uncomfortable for most because it targets desire and pleasure. As a result, the model of sex is left to imagination, media, and socially constructed messages. Recent research indicates that in a study aiming to determine how long, on average, sexual intercourse lasts for the study's participants, the mean average was less than 5 minutes in duration. This number correlates closely with images in porn, and leaves much to be desired sexually. Particularly, for women who take, on average, about 13 minutes to climax. When giving workshops on sexuality around the Midwest, so many fallacies are present which are relevant less than effective approach to sexuality. Masturbation is a consistent topic around folks tend to be exceptionally uncomfortable. In the same vein, I have often been asked if masturbating should be used as a measure to signal sexual abuse/trauma. Just one indicator of beliefs that exist around our oneness with our bodies and sexual selves.
A healthier "Big Talk" would include discussions about plumbing and prevention, but also about the sexual response cycle, which is often far too uncomfortable for most because it targets desire and pleasure. As a result, the model of sex is left to imagination, media, and socially constructed messages. Recent research indicates that in a study aiming to determine how long, on average, sexual intercourse lasts for the study's participants, the mean average was less than 5 minutes in duration. This number correlates closely with images in porn, and leaves much to be desired sexually. Particularly, for women who take, on average, about 13 minutes to climax. When giving workshops on sexuality around the Midwest, so many fallacies are present which are relevant less than effective approach to sexuality. Masturbation is a consistent topic around folks tend to be exceptionally uncomfortable. In the same vein, I have often been asked if masturbating should be used as a measure to signal sexual abuse/trauma. Just one indicator of beliefs that exist around our oneness with our bodies and sexual selves.
Truth is, talking about sex requires us to be open, raw, vulnerable and that is uber scary! It is human nature to run from discomfort. We encounter a hot stove, we pull away; in the face of conflict, we walk the other direction; when it rains, we duck for cover. Sexuality illicit the same flight or fight response for most of us. When clients come in for their first meeting with me I REQUIRE them to address at least one sexual vulnerability regardless of what their main concern(s) are. This opens up a Pandora's box of information about sexual beliefs and difficulties, which ends up being freeing for those that share in this dialogue. I have never faced refusal or anger when posing this question, but have been thanked for allowing clients to have a space to talk about these "difficult topics." In the midwest, strong puritanical beliefs continue to be abundant, which can make talking about sexuality shameful and even more difficult. The fact is, running from unease only builds anxiety. I move to encourage all of you, in your own stations in life to apply this concept to your life, whether it be personally, on a parental level, with peers, colleagues, in the schools you work, etc...Think about, in this time of change, how we can be proactive in creating a healthier sexual paradigm that is forward moving and not regressive. Ultimately, let's work to be sex positive together in order to set the stage for current and future generations to be healthier people, and who have "big talks" to speak of that they are proud to recount and celebrate.
Until next time...#Withlovefromyourlocalsextherapist
Until next time...#Withlovefromyourlocalsextherapist
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